Glasses Half Empty: A New Short Story from Critically-Acclaimed Robby O'Daniel

[The Girl Who Couldn't Remember]

I really wanna fight OVK right now

Like for real guys

[Webcam ham.]

Well you'd win but your story would still really blow.

[The Girl Who Couldn't Remember]

Vinnie has my back

Sort of

If that's Vinnie

[Webcam ham.]

Yes.

[Crime in the Queen's Court]

tldr;

[sexual tyrannosaurus]

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
v"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.bgfdhgfdgdfgdgfdgfd

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
v"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.bgfdhgfdgdfgdgfdgfd

[The Girl Who Couldn't Remember]

But everybody's going!

[baby butthole jr.]

holy shit.  sega genesis actually appeared in this story

thank you ctrl + F

[A albright...]

Sega does what Nintendon't.

WELCOME
TOTHENE
XTLEVEL

BLAST PROCESSING!

Say it… Say it… SEGA!

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

Robby was born with the rare Sega Gene

[Webcam ham.]

Which might explain the reason he does not know about warp whistles.

[sexual tyrannosaurus]

Rare childhood footage of CK (left)

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

I don't really think that meets the legal and/or dictionary definition of "footage"

[sexual tyrannosaurus]

I don't really think that meets the legal and/or dictionary definition of "footage"

Suck my giant dick asshole

[Crime in the Queen's Court]

Hey, if you want to use your asshole for giant dicks, I'm not judging you, but I'd appreciate you keeping it to yourself.

[Webcam ham.]

Bassist desperately wants to lick your gaping asshole.

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
v"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.bgfdhgfdgdfgdgfdgfd

[sexual tyrannosaurus]

Honestly I tried re-reading it and I got to the same part with the newspaper before I gave up.

Still, this entire thread is fucking golden

[The Chocolate-Covered Contest]

Now that I think about it the story is pretty good

[Webcam ham.]

[The Chocolate-Covered Contest]

Heh. J/K. The story isn't very good.

[sexual tyrannosaurus]

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
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"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling."But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.
"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.v"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.bgfdhgfdgdfgdgfdgfd

[The Mystery of the Mother Wolf]

Tomorrow I'm going to eat breakfast and then write about it for 30 minutes.

still waiting on this

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

Tomorrow I'm going to eat breakfast and then write about it for 30 minutes.

Everything went back to those chocolate chip waffles.

As an outspoken advocate of breakfast, specifically as it pertained to eating food, Baby Butthole Junior professed that he always wanted to have another breakfast just like the one he had before going on the eighth-grade Washington D.C. trip at age 13.

So instead of pouring an extra bowl of Cheerios -- to go along with the other bowls of cereal he'd consumed the previous mornings -- he decided to toast the frozen Eggo waffles so that instead of a bowl of Cheerios, his breakfast on that day would instead consist of toasted waffles which had previously been stored inside the freezer.

The toaster oven, of whom Baby Butthole Junior generously bequeathed the tidy sum of two waffles just minutes prior, generously bequeathed a pale glow of a deep red color which bathed the two waffles (If Baby Butthole Junior was to describe them: The waffles were circular ovals of waffle) in heat, slowly increasing the temperature of the waffles like food in an oven. The brown chocolate chips, embedded inside the two yellow circles which began to turn brown from the heat of the toaster oven, began to lose their solid chocolate-chip form, turning slowly into amorphous brown pieces like fragments of chocolate left carelessly in a child's pocket, or on the dashboard of a hot car on a hot summer day, the sensation of which would feel almost like being inside an oven.

10 YEARS LATER

"Leggo my Eggo" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

[sexual tyrannosaurus]

^^^^^^
Fantastic

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

Thanks

[Webcam ham.]

Bullshit I already did this and it was better.

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

Where

[Webcam ham.]

http://zimed.net/forums/index.php/topic,2592.0.html

[The Mystery of the Mother Wolf]

I've found that a simple find and replace operation improved this story dramatically:

Everything went back to those wire-rimmed glasses.

As an outspoken advocate of the American Dream, specifically as it pertained to her Irish-American children, Lucille Blume professed that she always wanted her twin daughters to have it better than she did.

So instead of buying an extra bottle of Chardonnay -- to go along with the other bottles of liquor she'd purchased one evening -- she decided to send the money so that exactly one of her children could go on the eighth-grade Washington D.C. trip.

"It's all I have to give," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, as she popped the cork of her bottle of $50 brandy.

The cork flew up in the air, hit the tip of one of the propellers of the Blumes' rickety ceiling fan and struck Sophie Blume, age 13, square in the forehead. Contents of the brandy bottle bubbled up onto the floor.

"Oh, look what you made me do," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling. She put down the brandy on the dark brown, broken-down coffee table, the one with all of Lucille's fine porcelain dolls adorning it, and went to get some paper towels.

Sophie's sister, Saoirse, of whom Lucille generously bequeathed the tidy sum of $60 just minutes prior, scrunched up her face, furrowed her eyebrows and focused on the ground. She moved her sneakers back and forth into a side of the spill on the shag carpeting, watching as the liquid made the light yellow carpet into brown. Her sneaker, with all the dirt of recess, made the brown into black.

"We're out of paper towels," Lucille announced, as she held up two Classifieds sections from the local paper like they were a newborn baby. She got on the floor, and the typeface ground into the carpet.

"But, Mom," sputtered Saoirse's sister, Sophie, between gasps of air. "Why does Saoirse get to go and not me?"

Lucille sighed, put her hands on her knees and looked at Saoirse. "You can't always get what you want in this life, dear. Besides your sister is older."

This was true. Lucille gave birth to the two babies on a hot, sweaty May morning. "You kept me up all night," Lucille would often say between swigs. Saoirse entered the world at 5:05 a.m. Sophie popped out at 5:10 a.m. As a result, forever Sophie would earn the label "little sister." And as a result, despite the mere five-minute age difference, somehow hand-me-down dresses, frayed books and the like all found her.

"But everybody's going!" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

Saoirse nodded her head furiously. "It's true, Mom. Everyone is going."

Lucille held up the drenched newspaper sections with one finger and winced at the smell. "If everyone jumped off a bridge ..."

"That's doesn't have anything to do with anything!" Saoirse yelled. She stomped to her room. Her sneakers caused the whole room to shake, punctuated by a door slam.

Lucille raised her eyebrows sternly, as she deposited the trash. She made her way back to the bottle and poured herself a glass. She promptly took it to her mouth and turned it upside down. The glass slammed back on the table, and she tipped the bottle up to pour another.

Without looking at her, Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, "Saoirse, Mommy needs some time to herself. Why don't you go to your room and do your homework?"

Saoirse beamed. "I already did it."

Lucille looked up, startled. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Surely there's more you haven't done."

"Nope."

"Perhaps something you forgot?"

"Nuh uh."

Lucille looked back down at the bottle. "Then go enjoy your free time in your room, please, dear."

Saoirse shuffled her feet. "I kind of wanted to play video games," Saoirse yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, eyeing the Sega Genesis on top of the 13-inch television. The letters "sis" had been rubbed completely off the system to where it yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling "SEGA GENE." The ancient $20 Toys R Us sticker was still planted on the top right of it, like a stamp licked yesterday.

"No, dear, I have plans in the living room tonight," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling. "Maybe another evening."

"But I got my homework done early to play video games."

"If you do as I say tonight, maybe another evening. I'm going to watch television out here, and I don't want you to see the smut that passes for television these days."

"If it's bad, then why do you watch it?"

"Because, dear, we own a television. It'd be a shame to waste it."

"Then can I watch television with you?"

"How many times must I say it, dear, you are never to watch television as long as you are in my house," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, as she clutched the bottle to her chest like she was accepting an Oscar. "It's filth, and it's certainly not fit for impressionable children. To think what my father would say at what they put on these days."

And they never did watch TV. The most Saoirse and Sophie had seen on the electronic box in their lives had been Channel One and Cable in the Classroom, which Lucille called a vicious marketing ploy by television advertisers to get their greedy hands on America's youth. "Shame on that Bill Clinton for allowing this to happen," Lucille often yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling in between swigs.

"But we don't even have cable TV," Saoirse yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

"What does that have anything to do with it?"

"Well, Veronica Watson at school says that they only show dirty stuff on the cable TV channels."

"Well, how on earth did Veronica Watson learn that, from watching that drivel? I have a mind to call her parents tomorrow morning."

"No, don't, Mom."

"No, I will," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling. She put her glass and the bottle down because she was feeling noble. She seemed to look out past the dry wallpaper and cracked ceilings of the family apartment and into America itself. She put her arm around Saoirse. "You know, darling, if we don't do what's right and stand up for what we believe in, this world could go to hell in a handbasket."

"Mother, you just yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling hell."

"Do as I say, not as I do, sweetie," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling. "And if you have any designs that we might end up like the Watsons with the MTV infiltrating this house, you can forget it. If the material wasn't obscene, the cost certainly is."

Lucille bent down and smiled at Saoirse. She smiled back nervously. Her lower lip twitched. "Now go to your room, sweetheart," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, squinting at the girl's face. "You have ugly bags under your eyes. Maybe you should think about getting some shuteye."

Saoirse's droopy face fell.





As soon as Saoirse entered the room, she adjusted her brown, wire-rimmed glasses. If Sophie was to describe them: The glasses were sideways ovals of glass, connected beautifully by a long thin wire with an immaculate U-shaped curve in the interlocking middle. They were the perfect centerpiece to Saoirse's round-shaped face, and by all rights, they belonged on her.

Her mother had even yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling so. They went to the department store exactly one year ago to pick out the perfect glasses. Lucille only had enough money for one pair of glasses because of the liquor she had purchased earlier in the afternoon.

"Those glasses look perfect on you, Saoirse," Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling with a long smile, on the way back from the store. Her gaze in the rearview mirror turned to Sophie. "Don't you see, Sophie? You have a heart-shaped face. They would have hung loosely, dear, like a wire hanger without a cardigan on it."

Sophie frowned, fidgeted in her seat under the tight ropes of the seat belt and lightly felt her face with her right palm.

Both sisters had developed vision problems, so both needed glasses, but Sophie's came from a government-assisted program for needy families. Hers were horn-rimmed, not her style of choice, with wings on the side and looked like they came out of somebody's 1950s high school yearbook.

Her mother couldn't even sugarcoat it when they picked them up later. "Well you can see better, can't you?" she yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

They picked up Sophie's glasses two weeks after Saoirse's, which meant two weeks more of headaches and bad grades on Math quizzes for Sophie.

"Why don't you just buy her glasses already?" yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling her impatient sixth-grade math teacher at a parent-teacher conference.

Lucille broke down, crying hysterically. The parent-teacher conference ended with the teacher offering his whole box of tissues for Lucille to take home and his constant repetition of "I'm so sorry," with varying inflections.

The crying spell went away immediately as Lucille and Sophie exited the room. "Don't ever put me in that position again," was all Lucille yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling to her that day. Her breath smelt of rum.

So when Saoirse moved back those exquisite glasses, a calculated push back orchestrated by her index and ring fingers, Sophie felt a pang of pain deep inside her, like a knife cut to the heart. She rolled her tongue against her teeth and frowned.

Sitting on the top bunk, Sophie moved to the edge of the bed, letting her feet dangle in the air. Looking down at Saoirse, Sophie made a fist and was instantly clutching an invisible microphone. "Tell us, Saoirse, inquiring minds want to know: What makes you so special?" Sophie yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling.

Saoirse rolled her eyes. "God, Sophie."

Sophie let her invisible microphone drop to her side. "What's it like to live the way you do? Because, really, some of us are suffering over here."

Saoirse sighed and laid down on her bed, the bottom bunk, grabbing an issue of Rolling Stone that was next to her. The Backstreet Boys were on the cover. "The only reason you're suffering is because, well, as you would say, 'Mom is a bitch.'"

Sophie's mouth flew open. "I don't know what you're talking about. I've never yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling that."

Saoirse mindlessly flipped the pages and scanned them. "Sophie, we live in the same room. Do you really think I'm not going to find out these things?"

Ignoring the wooden stepladder, Sophie suddenly pushed herself forward, jumping down to the floor. She turned toward Saoirse and glared.

"In case you've never heard of common courtesy, I'll tell you when I want you to read my diary."

"I didn't read your diary," Saoirse yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, raising her voice an octave in protest. A beat passed. "Buuuttt if I did, so what?"

Sophie jumped on Saoirse and grabbed two handfuls of sweater. "What do you know?" she yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, squinting her eyes and in a whisper, attempting to mimic those police interrogators she saw on television over at Veronica Watson's house.

Saoirse wrenched away and held up the crinkled Rolling Stone. "Hey, it took two weeks' allowance to buy this!"

"Apparently you read my diary more often than you read Rolling Stone."

Saoirse used her peripheral vision and eyed an old copy of Stone -- the one with Hanson. She wondered whether a rolled-up Stone cover would get Sophie off. She didn't really like Hanson anyway. "Listen, all I'm saying is that you can spend all your time writing to yourself about things you already know, or you can tell someone new."

"Like you?"

"And why not me? I'm your loving sister," she yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, eyes wide with exasperation.

Sophie let go of her grip in defeat and moved off Saoirse, to the edge of the bottom bunkbed.

Saoirse took in the room. She saw the color pink dotted everywhere -- from the bed covers to the teddy bears to the make-up kits. "God, we are in such a girly cliche right now. All we are missing is our room having bright pink walls with hearts on them."

"Mom yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling the room would be pink, but the paint at Lowe's was too expensive." (A gallon of paint at Lowe's can cost about $20, but a pregnant Lucille bought liquor the afternoon she shopped around at Lowe's. And she's been too busy to go back to Lowe's in the past 13 years, she says.)

"Go figure."

Sophie mumbled out of the corner of her mouth as she bit her index finger. "Mom says we haven't refined our tastes yet, and she is good at choosing things."

"Mom says a lot of things."

A beat passed. Sophie eyed Saoirse. "You know, you are saying a lot about Mom after she gave you the money to go to D.C. and not me. Maybe I should have a little chat with her. She might change her mind."

Saoirse swung her legs off to the side, put down the Rolling Stone and got up. "You won't."

Sophie's eyes followed Saoirse across the room. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I have dirt on you too. But moreso because I know you. You wouldn't."

Sophie looked down at her dirty white sneakers and thought of the D.C. trip. "You don't know that."

"Look, it's not that I'm not grateful. I appreciate it. Honest." Saoirse rifled through her closet and pulled out a black Radiohead T-shirt. She traded the campfire warmth of the red sweater for the breezy cotton rebellion of Thom Yorke.

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

Sophie's mouth was agape. "Maybe I really do have something to talk to Mom about."

Saoirse looked in the mirror and ran her long, thin fingers (made even longer by her economy-sized, painted fingernails) through her short, stringy blonde hair. She turned to Sophie. "Look, don't tell Mom about this, will ya?"

Sophie smiled, conspiratorially. "Are you going to see Bryan?" she whispered.

Saoirse pantomimed fixing her hair, imitating Lucille. She lowered her voice. "Sophie, perhaps when you are older..."

"Oh, shut up!"

Saoirse put an index finger to her mouth and then nodded and smiled. "If Mom won't let me play video games, maaaayyybe."

Sophie looked down at Saoirse's pink bedspread, straightening it out absent-mindedly. "Sometimes I wonder how we are even related."

Saoirse's mouth turned sideways, and she ducked to sit down beside Sophie. She put her arm on Sophie's shoulder. "Look at me."

A beat passed before Sophie did.

Saoirse continued, "There will be other trips."

Sophie looked up at Saoirse, not comprehending her perfect face but recognizing this being, from the same mother's womb and birthed the same day, would be going to D.C. and not her. Taking stock of her own bright red, curly, long hair, Sophie sometimes really did wonder how on earth they were related, let alone twins.

At lunch every noon at school, Sophie sits with a crowd of people, but she is alone. Those people she sits with belong to Saoirse's group of friends. Sophie eats her peanut butter and jelly sandwich (with the crusts cut off) and drinks her CapriSun juice packet in silence, looking from girl to girl as the speakers change.

Sure, she's attended her fair share of Veronica Watson sleepovers (who hasn't?). But moreover, Saoirse was invited first, and it was simply understood -- and proper etiquette in the 13-year-old female community -- to extend the invitation to Saoirse's silent twin sister. At the sleepovers, which occured approximately once a month, yet on seemingly random weekends, Sophie had an even tougher time being social. She couldn't even keep up with the conversation, as the girls ate marshmallows and talked movies, because she just kept gawking at the television -- this forbidden beam of technological light pouring into her slightly-visually-impaired eyes. Her favorite times were when Veronica's mother dominated the television. As the other kids groaned, as the television pilgrimaged away from VH1 and even further away from MTV, Sophie's eyelids ate Wolf Blitzer. They devoured Greta Van Sustren. She was a news cannibal. There was something so strangely wrong about being this "into" the news, like on sitcoms when a character entertains the notion of doing a threesome or masturbating in the elevator, but it was so captivating. She could hear the heartfelt words, the passion in everyone's voices as they yelled at each other about Bill Clinton and taxes and health care, and it was so strangely intriguing.

But at age 13, all Sophie could think about was how uncool this was. And she thought of Washington D.C.

[The Clue of the Tapping Heels]

The beat goes on, Sophie

[The Mystery on Baby Butthole Jr. Lake]

It all came back to those eggs.

I sat up in bed the way a man who has been sleeping for days might wake up in the way that he is groggy at first but springs up because he realizes he has been asleep for days. Slowly, I peelt back the blankets to expose my legs which were partially covered by shorts the way the moon is partially covered by the earth's shadow during a lunar eclipse. I peert around the room using my peripheral vision and that is when it hit me; this hunger. Hunger like that of a rabid homeless man digging through the trash can hoping and longing and praying that he can find a half-eaten sandwich that he may put into his mouth and chew like a hungry mountain lion that has just tackled its prey and is now tearing the flesh from the animal using it's powerful graceful jaws. Slowly, I arose from the confines of my bed and stood straight. Towering. I began my trek toward the kitchen the way a muslim might begin his pilgrimage to Mecca. The hallway seemed to stretch for miles the way something that is miles and miles long might stretch and I continued to lumber forward in a vibrant pepperoni warp whistle and large trigun pepperoni medium pizza

[Webcam ham.]

I can't be bothered to figure out what you replaced, Michael Mancuso.

[The Clue of the Tapping Heels]

CK doesn't watch Trigun. It's Gilmore Girls.

[The Legend of the Emerald Lady]

Joke Status: Beat to Death

[The Mystery of the Mother Wolf]

I can't be bothered to figure out what you replaced, Michael Mancuso.

"And why not me? I'm your loving sister," she yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling, eyes wide with exasperation.

Sophie let go of her grip in defeat and moved off Saoirse, to the edge of the bottom bunkbed.

Saoirse took in the room. She saw the color pink dotted everywhere -- from the bed covers to the teddy bears to the make-up kits. "God, we are in such a girly cliche right now. All we are missing is our room having bright pink walls with hearts on them."

"Mom yelped in the same kind of exasperated pitch as a man without an umbrella's "Oh, no" at a glimpse of the rain falling the room would be pink, but the paint at Lowe's was too expensive." (A gallon of paint at Lowe's can cost about $20, but a pregnant Lucille bought liquor the afternoon she shopped around at Lowe's. And she's been too busy to go back to Lowe's in the past 13 years, she says.)

and so on and so forth

[The Legend of the Emerald Lady]

Joe Status: Scalped to Death

[The Mystery of the Mother Wolf]

Poor Joe

[The Chocolate-Covered Contest]

Joe Status: Scalped to Death